As a child I always knew I was different. Much like a gay man does not think about women, and would never be happy wih one. I did not think about sex or relationships with women the way my peers did, and I knew I would not be happy in a vanilla realtionship. At 9-10 years old I found Playboy and Penthouse to be educational, but not erotic to me. In my mind I saw something much different then what was the fuzzy all to perfect, yet boring posses they were selling. They where just naked, beautiful, but not a big turn-on compared to what I saw in my head, which was more a lifestyle than just naked women.
1. Intro
2. The Vault and Paddles
At 10-11 I used to take turns tying up a girlfriend in elementary school. We never had sex, but the feel of the power exchange was something I had always thought about. By 16 I was spanking girls in high school, and by my 20's I was going to The Vault and Paddles, some very cool SM clubs at the time. I played with friends and lived many lives, sharing and experimenting, I am now 39 as of 12 25 05... One thing I learned on this trip was that although I enjoyed many aspects of BDSM, I got the most enjoyment out of being with one partner whom I trusted and who trusted me. I could go deeper and further, and the emotional element made it more then just a flogging or bondage.
3. Deep trust and emotional commitment
As I grew I realized that I not only needed to be with one person who shared my passion for this type of play, but also I needed I deep trust and emotional commitment. I also realized that many in the lifestyle were not compatible for long-term or even short-term relationships. I was raised to be a gentleman, to hold the door for a lady, and to carry her bags, to pay for her meal when I take her out. So when dating someone who had previously been trained to carry stuff for her master, or open the door for him... I felt very uncomfortable. I did not feel this was true to who I was. That is not to say I am completely traditional. I like to cook and I cook well. I even had one submissive woman argue with me about that, as she had been previously trained to open doors and cook and clean. That's not to say I don't like being cooked for – I love it – and I love having a women take care of me, but I don't like being told that I shouldn't do these things for a women. I love to take care of the women I am with, and to be taken care of as well.
4. The old-fashioned values
I began to realize that as progressive as I am I liked the old-fashioned values that I grew up with, but with a twist. In the past these values where default and to defy them was wrong. Women could not even vote. That means men and women were stuck in these roles whether they liked it or not. Today we can choose to live this way and to make it fit our idea of what makes a happy household for us. I still like to play many games with my lover; I have studied shibari and love bondage, living our fantasies like play rape and other games where the man is in control... but it goes beyond that. My relationship now requires a true understanding and willingness to take our places. It is no longer play.... I take my woman when I see fit. If she is cooking and cleaning and bending over and I decide that I want her then and there, there is nothing to argue about: she is mine and I take her. Of course, I don't suggest this with someone you don't know. She is allowed to struggle and protest, but she knows it will do no good, except to egg me on further, as it make me hot to she her struggle and try to have her way, even though we both know that when I win, we both win.
5. D/s relationships
As far as how the household is run, we talk about it and there is not much discipline required to make it work, except for the occasional outburst. The woman I am with now has a sharp tongue and needs to be put in her place. If I let her get away with speaking to me in a rude or condescending manor, it only escalates. I find it better to cut it off before it gets worse. Sometimes corner time or a spanking will do, but for serious offenses, I have a strap that puts the fear of god into her. She often thanks me afterward, although she may not be happy during her punishment. I have only recently found the Loveawake site, and it has provided me with a wealth of information. I cannot say I agree with everything on this site, but for the first time I feel I have found people talking about living a BDSM type lifestyle in what I consider to be a much more mature way than some of the other more prevalent Ideas about D/s relationships.
6. Final Words
When I was younger, I enjoyed leading my slave around in public with her collar on. We dressed in a manner that let the world know our business, and there is nothing wrong with this, but as I grow, and and have a career and not just a job, I don't want everyone to know my business. I had at one time a locking metal collar I made a my slave wear in public and I know people who wear theirs for years... one person I know has not taken hers off for 8 years. But that no longer works for me as we have real jobs and plan on a family. I like being able to go out in public and without any collar or dressing in leather, yet still having the respect for each other and knowing our places, to the point that people may know we are different, but we don't have to make a statement about it. we just are and it feels very natural. I hope to learn more about dating as many of the ideas set forth on this site are close to my heart.
7. Comments
I have to say, I see parallels in your story to my own. I also found out quite young that I liked tying up girls. I also like cooking. I don’t even mind doing the washing up, so long as I have someone to talk to whilst I do it. I wouldn’t want a woman to open a door for me. Frankly, I view it as my place to open doors, to pick up the tab, to earn the crust. I don’t want a woman that’s chained down into domestic servitude either – I’m looking for a woman who has an emotional need to be mine in body and spirit because that’s what she wants, not what she has to accept. I’ve only recently come to this realisation, but even though I’m single at the moment, I feel more at peace with myself knowing this. Like I’ve already won the war, and I’ve not even picked the battle yet. You talk about a woman being yours, accepting that you take her as and when you see fit – and there are some great articles on this site by women who have accepted the other side of this equation. Frankly, reading those articles was of great help to me – if it’s ok for a woman to accept and enjoy that situation to a point where her sex drive increases exponentially, then it’s got to be ok for me to accept it too. Thanks for sharing your story. I find it very encouraging that people out there have such healthy relationships within the kind of taken in hand environment I find so appealing.